Let it be...

There are insensitive, uninformed people in this world and there’s not much I can do about it.  Something that really gets under my skin is when people spout information as if it were gospel when it is anything but truthful.  There may be a grain of truth in their statement but it is surrounded by so much BS that it gets lost.

This irritation is not limited to just one topic; it rears its ugly head indiscriminately.  I may read an article online and then, like an idiot, I read some of the comments that people leave regarding the article.  I should know better than to do that.  People feel free to say just about anything while they are hiding behind their monitors.  An article about politics or politicians begets rants from the opposing view without even acknowledging that the article may actually have a valid point.  Information about type 2 diabetes brings on hateful, hurtful comments like “it’s just because they are fat slobs” or “go whine about your troubles to someone who cares”.  It matters not what the subject is, there will always be someone who spews hate and misinformation.

Depending on my mood at the time I run across said idiots, I may actually respond and try to enlighten them.  This is nothing but a waste of time.  You see, you can’t change someone’s mind when they are adamant that they are correct.  Close minded people will remain close minded.  Bigots will remain bigots.  Political and religious fanatics are just that, fanatics.  It’s been my experience that a fanatic’s ears are deaf to opposing ideas.

Now let me insert here, before you begin to think that I’m just a two-faced fanatic myself, that I don’t feel it necessary to hammer my own ideas into someone.  Instead I feel more inclined to ask people to calm down and realize that there is more than one way to look at a situation;  more than one side to each and every story.  Possibly they should do a bit of research before spouting hate and allowing their ignorance to multiply.  People should be more open-minded.

What can I do about this frustration that I have?  Well first, I can just stop reading comments after articles.  After that I suppose I just need to let it go.  I can’t change the world.  I can’t fix everything.  I’m far from an expert on any one thing, that’s for sure.  There is, however, one way I can combat the ignorance surrounding type 2 diabetes.  I can do my best to share information about the condition and how to deal with it day in and day out.  I can answer people’s questions to the best of my ability and steer them toward websites where they can get accurate information.  I can dispel the false rumors through information and by living the good life as a person with diabetes.  I can teach by example.  I can make a difference in this one area and that feels good.

Addressing the idiots

 Something happened just this morning that caused my hackles to rise and my too-sweet blood to pump furiously.  I was, yet again, faced with a stupid comment regarding diabetes from an ill-informed person.  First thing this morning, before the tea had even hit my blood stream, I saw this on Facebook:  

“Type 2 diabetes often happens to people who feel their father was very critical.” Really.  You don’t say.  AAARRRRRGHHHHHHH!  Here was my response to this idiot: ” No <insert idiot’s name>, you are wrong.  Diabetes doesn’t “happen” to people because their fathers might have been critical.  People develop diabetes when one of the following occurs:    When the pancreas does not produce any insulin. When the pancreas produces very little insulin.  When the body does not respond appropriately to insulin, a condition called "insulin resistance."

I may have developed diabetes because I inherited some bum genes, but that is the only thing about this disease that I can lay at my father’s feet.  Diabetes “happens” to all sorts of people; people who have felt criticized, people who are orphans, people who are generally happy and well adjusted, people who are a mess.  Diabetes is not spiritual, it is physical.  It is a life-threatening, chronic disease that is hard enough to live with without people spouting mis-truths about it.  Do not make statements without first making certain what you’re saying is truth.  You aren’t helping.”

I feel somewhat better.

So, if I had unlimited resources at my disposal, what would I do as a health activist? (That is, after first buying a plane ticket to said idiot’s home and making her sit through unending lessons on how and why people develop diabetes….)  I would want to spread the word.

Diabetes is such a misunderstood disease.  The first, most important, thing is to realize that there are two types.  (At least said idiot realizes that). I feel for my T1 friends because they have to face comments about how they can “cure” their disease if they would just stop eating sugar or if they would just lose weight.  T1s can’t cure themselves.  They have an auto-immune disease.

On that same vein, T2s have to listen to that same crap all the time.  “I don’t feel sorry for you because you did this to yourself”.  “I bet now that you’ve lost so much weight you won’t be diabetic any longer”.  Sometimes people are well meaning but I wonder if they actually listen to what they’re saying.  Sigh. I need to rein myself in here or this blog will go on for pages and pages.  Can you tell that I feel passionate about this?  

What needs to happen?  People need to understand type 2 diabetes; how we develop it and how we deal with it once we have it.  I would love to develop literature and seminars aimed at education about type 2 diabetes.  I want these materials to be easy to understand with real-world ways for people to put their new-found knowledge to work.  In my perfect activist world, people who are pre-diabetic would be referred by their doctor to an organization that would disseminate this information, free of charge.  These patients would have a personal health coach who would walk them through all the ins and outs of understanding this disease.  Maybe, just maybe, they’d “get it” before it gets them.  

Current T2s would have access to the same type of assistance.  They could sign up for a free health coach, someone they could call when they had a question or needed a hug.  It would be something like an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor; someone to call before they fell off the wagon.

I know that people with diabetes are responsible for their own health care; no one can do it for them.  But I just don’t see much information out there that people can understand.  My first doctor never gave me anything to read about this disease or pointed me toward help.  It took me years of my own research online before I truly understood what was going on and what I needed to do and why.  Years when I didn’t have adequate control.  Years when I may have been doing further damage to my body.  I want this to be easier for others.

I know my dream won’t happen so what can I do instead?  I suppose I could amp up my own advocacy by getting the word out.  Live the type of life that a diabetic should live and teach by example.  Maybe I could start a Facebook page dedicated to helping others find information. I feel like my advocacy began today when I sent that message.  Maybe today I helped someone to understand just a little bit more. 

Save Me From the Self Righteous

Save Me From the Self Righteous

I just read on article online at the NPR website that talked about a study that indicated that diet may have some effect on children with ADHD.  In other words, changing a child’s diet may have as much effect on their condition as medication does.  Although the article was vague about details I thought it was interesting and exciting for those parents who are dealing with this.  I went on to read some of the comments people left after the article.  I should know better.  Anytime I read comments on pretty much any website I get upset.  Some people can be so stupid and thoughtless.  “If parents would just feed their children healthy food, take away their tv and cell phones and make them get outside and exercise, they wouldn’t have a problem.”  Excuse me?  I will agree that our society has developed into a people who spend too much time at leisure and not enough time being active, but to point fingers and say that these parents have caused the child’s ADHD is ludicrous! 

It’s the same with Type 2 diabetes.  I’ve never had anyone say to my face, “gosh, if you just hadn’t gained all that weight you probably wouldn’t be a diabetic” but I can almost hear them whispering, can you?  (I guess the people I know are either too polite or two-faced)  There is a stigma surrounding Type 2 diabetes.  Too much has been published and discussed about how diet and lifestyle has caused an epidemic of this disease.  That’s all true, but to hear people say that “all you have to do” is eat a healthier diet and exercise and you’ll get better really pisses me off. Or, “You poor thing, too bad you can’t eat some cake.”  It makes me want to scream sometimes.  Of course I can eat cake, dammit!  I just have to pay attention and adjust what else I’m eating.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve beaten myself up thinking that maybe I did do this to myself.  That certainly doesn’t do me any good.  I can’t change what has happened in the past, I can only deal with it now in an intelligent and thoughtful way.  You know what?   My grand father had diabetes.  He was a hard working police man, I have seen photos of him and he was certainly not over weight. My mother was diagnosed later in life, with diabetes.  Sure she had an addiction to pepsi, but she didn't spend the day eating bon bons.  For years I thought I was the unlucky one in my family. It seemed I got all the "bad" genes iin tn the family.  I was the only one with diabetes, DBD, and CHF.

So what’s the point of this post (other than the fact that it felt GOOD to rant a bit)?  It’s my wish that people would be more compassionate; that they would educate themselves about a topic before making assumptions and opening their big traps.  Think about what life would be like if you had to deal with a child who has ADHD.  Be concerned that your friend has diabetes and needs to keep strict control but don’t pity them or look down your nose at them like it’s their fault.  You can’t know everything about someone’s life; what factors may have put them where they are now.  Don’t assume that they “did this to themselves”.  If you’re a thin, healthy person who has never had the misfortune of contracting a disease and whose children are perfect in every way…..wait, I don’t think people like that really exist.  I guess I’m fantasizing. 

I want a new drug....

No one asked me if I wanted to have a disease.  Not only that, but I wasn’t consulted to find out what type of disease I wanted to have.  There are days when I’d like to trade in my diabetes for another model.  Today is one of those days.

What features would I want my new model to have?  Oh, there are so many.  

·       First of all, I’d love for my disease to come without guilt.  Despite the knowledge I have gained throughout my years with diabetes, I still suffer from guilt now and then.  My sensitive psyche doesn’t need guilt.

·       How about a disease with just one treatment plan?  One that works for most everyone.  One that doesn’t change every frickin day.  A treatment plan that allows you to learn what you’re supposed to do and it stays that way; no one changes the rules.

·       A disease that brings on occasional sympathy from others might be nice, as opposed to one that tends to cause people to think that I did this to myself.  Wait, scratch that, I don’t I want people feeling sorry for me.  It would be nice, however, if they didn’t judge.

·       Is there a disease that gives you a break now and then?  One that just goes away for a spell?  I doubt that, but wouldn’t it be nice?

·       Let’s see, a disease that awards brownie points for stellar achievement would be peachy!  I know that when I’m really good with my food plan and exercise that I’m giving myself brownie points for future health, but it doesn’t feel that way today.

·       A disease that I didn’t have to think about every single day would be lovely.  I doubt that exists either, but I’m asking for the dream so I might as well think big.

Wow, I’m being such a whiner today!  After reading over my list, I feel somewhat better.  I mean, it could be so much worse than it is.  In reality, my diabetes is fairly well controlled.  I was diagnosed before I had any symptoms and my general health is really good.  It could be so much worse.  Why am I complaining?  Because today I feel crappy, mentally.  Today I feel sorry for myself.  Rather than hiding in my bed under the blankets, I thought that writing about this would make me feel better.  It has.  It has made me look at myself and say, “Snap out of it and get on with your day!”  I’m doing really well, in retrospect, and I can continue doing that.  So can anyone else out there who has to deal with diabetes!  You can do this too!!  Regardless of what our plan is, regardless of how we handle our individual diabetes, we can do this!  I really do feel better.

CCcchanges!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I’m doing living with diabetes.  I like to think that I have pretty good control, but upon closer examination it feels more like I’ve just been bailing faster than the water is coming in.  I suppose that’s a victory of sorts but I feel like I could do better.

I remember, back when I was first diagnosed, that horrible feeling of helplessness; that idea that my world would have to change dramatically; the confusion about just what it was I needed to do.  I started out with diet and exercise as my plan without any medication.  It felt like maybe it wasn’t so bad after all but I still wasn’t sure just what to do.

I’m a carboholic, like many people are.  I crave carbs and have been known to stuff myself with “bad carbs”. Heck, if we’re being truthful here, this has happened recently! (I never said I was perfect.)  I also enjoy sweets, but not to the same extent as  pasta/bread/potatoes.  In fact, I’m pleased to note that since I have been living the diabetic lifestyle, my cravings for sweets has diminished!  Now when I eat something sweet it just doesn’t float my boat the same way it did 10 years ago.  My initial thoughts when I was first diagnosed were how can I continue to eat what I love? Instead of planning to cut things out of my diet I tried to figure out how to keep them in.  This is a good thing unless you are a carboholic who lacks will power.

I do pretty well for the most part, as I indicated at the start of this post, but I think it’s time for a change; a shift in my thinking.  Maybe it’s time to promote to the next grade level in the “I’m-a-person-with-diabetes-for-life” school.

I think the most important step I can take at this time is to evaluate my relationship with food.  It’s pretty dysfunctional, if you want to know the truth.  It controls me and then I get all offended and regain control.  I sometimes put it on a pedestal and then hurt myself climbing up to get it.  Occasionally I view it as the enemy; an enemy with which I have to negotiate some sort of peace treaty.  

What’s the reality?  The reality is that food is a necessary fuel which my body needs to function.  It’s a necessary, wonderful, scrumptious, damn I love it, way-better-than sex nearly anything, fuel.  It’s time for me to re-negotiate the terms of my living arrangement with food.  I need to stop finagling to fit difficult foods into my plan and, instead, find healthier things to eat that I will enjoy.

Starting now I plan to revamp the way I’m eating and find tasty, healthy foods to eat to replace the carb-rich foods I’m addicted to.  Here’s hoping I succeed.

I am a diabetic!!

Wow, I Really Do Have Diabetes

You would think that after 30 years the above statement wouldn’t be that surprising.  In fact, you’d think that I wouldn’t say it at all, but I did just today.  If you’re like me, there have been times when you thought maybe it was all a mistake and you don’t really have diabetes.  Go ahead and admit it, it’s ok.  I remember feeling that way in the beginning, that maybe they called the wrong Kate or my test results got mixed up with someone else’s.  I wish….well, not that I’d wish this on anyone else, even a complete stranger, but you know what I mean.

Every once in a while I let myself think fantasize that I don’t really have diabetes.  Maybe my sugars are fairly good because I’m eating a much healthier diet and exercising regularly.  Maybe I don’t really need the Metformin!  I may sometimes think that but I don’t actually try it.  (I’m not stupid, I just like to dream now and then.)

Well this month I got the message loud and clear.  A simple stubbed toe turned into a raging MRSA infection in my foot that has resulted in me loosing 2 toes on my right foot.  I am no longer going to be able to stand for long periods, take long walks, work a 12 hour shift as a nurse...My sugars were not tightly controlled, now and again I would pull a CBG of 190 or so but I was watching my carb intake, trying to eat more veggies and walking or riding a stationary bike...I was loosing weight, about 3 pounds a month.  I thought every thing was going well.  Sure, I had a couple of pressure sores that had formed on my foot, but I was keeping it elevated, clean and dry.  I wore the special shoes the doctor ordered that were supposed to help with reducing pressure on my foot...

All of this brings to mind the statements made by many people who say that Type 2 can be cured.  These statements are made by lots of companies that are trying to sell something, whether it’s a magic pill or diet plan or shake or….any number of things that will “cure” your diabetes if you just follow their path.  It’s also spouted by people who have followed that path and are now living without meds.  I say Congratulations!  I’m so pleased that you have turned things around and are now a healthier person for it….but YOU ARE NOT CURED!  Yes, if you continue to live this new lifestyle, whatever it may be, you may not need meds for the rest of your life, but if you fall off that wagon your sugars will go back up.  Besides that, diabetes is a progressive disease and it’s very possible that, even if you follow that new regimen, you will see changes down the road that require meds yet again.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn this into a downer but this type of thing really gets under my skin.  Yes, we need to make changes to our lifestyle, sometimes drastic changes, when we receive a diagnosis of diabetes.  Yes, it’s possible to live med-free if we are T2s and we find the right combination of diet and exercise.  But no, I’m sorry, there is not a cure.  Those lifestyle changes must be continued for the rest of our lives.  Not only that, but we may have to make further changes as we age.  That’s just the way it is.  It sucks.  

So yes April, you are a person with diabetes and you always will be.  Deal with it.  Remember to take your meds, for Pete’s sake (who is Pete anyway?  I should be taking them for MY sake, right?).  Continue exercising (you’re doing so well!).  Tomorrow there will be a much nicer reading on your meter.  Tomorrow is another day.

Moving Forward

Moving Forward......

Powerful words.

Moving Forward

Move forward.  Keep going.  You can do this.

Take it one day at a time.......

I find myself uttering those words to myself to get me through the day.  An anthem I march to as the day sinks onto my body.

I get heavy.  The worry weighs on me.  My journey's baggage is dredged behind me.  I'm barely able to move.

And then, "Move forward"

Enduring is so misunderstood.

Enduring doesn't get the accolades it should.  Our life has so much to do with enduring and yet we act surprised when it is so.

"Oh my goodness!  So and so lost their job!  I can't believe it."

"Oh no!  So and so lost the love of their life!  Unbelievable!"

"You are kidding!  So and so was diagnosed with WHAT?"

All of these things seem to be a surprise, when actually they seem more of the norm than we care to admit.

Life is getting harder.  Or is it that I'm just getting older, and life was always hard?  Is it that I'm just noticing it more?

I don't think so.

I think bad things, hard things, are happening at a record rate.  And for some of us, all we can do in the wake of it all is put our heads down...

And move forward.

But there is a brightness in "move forward" that I think is missed.  It isn't ALL about dragging our feet.  It isn't moving forward simply because we have to.

 Moving on entails moving forward with hope.

HOPE!!

Why else would we move forward if we didn't believe in change for the better?

Enduring is a necessary obstacle to a better tomorrow.  When we move forward  we are making promises to ourselves that there is something good around the corner.  "Endure, do your best, and all will be well."  In the state of enduring we might feel like we are not making progress.  But in reality we are fighting, and pushing against something...that something is hopelessness.

When we carry on we are saying we won't stand for hopelessness.

Bad blood sugar night?

Move on!!  Better sugars are on the horizon.

Vision problems and ketones?

Move on!  The problem will be fixed.

Carb counted that buffet wrong?

Move on!  You'll get it next time.

Fight with your spouse?  Bad day at work?  That guy just cut you off?  Did Taco Bell short you a burrito again??

Move on...move on.....move  on!!!

Moving forward  doesn't allow you to live in the turmoil of past mistakes or tragedies, yours or otherwise.  Moving forward has you living in today, for the future...which effects your tomorrow for the better.

I know we all have hard days.  Hell...last week was one of the hardest for me, the pinnacle of many months of malaise.  But I can see now that enduring has brought me to a better place.  Not as fast as I would have liked.  But it did.  And no...not hugely better.  But better.

Look for that brightness ahead, friends.

Move forward  and remember that things don't always stay the same. 

I've been wandering the map for the last few months wondering when things will change for me.  Or at least wondering when I'll have a clearer direction.

The fog is lifting.  I'm starting to get my bearings.  And all I needed to do was Move forward. Move on. 

Sometimes it's all we CAN do.  And I don't want you to underestimate the power of it.  I know for a lot of us it feels like auto-pilot is almost running us backwards.

But it's not.  Give yourself the credit you deserve for the courage you mustered in moving forward when things got hard.  There are answers on the other side of the trudging through the mire of life.  There is dignity is simply doing our best.

Enduring also builds muscle.  Some muscles we didn't even know we had.  Maybe that's why enduring hurts so much... we are working out parts of ourselves we didn't even know were there.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago telling how I believe everyone is a hero.  A friend of mine stopped me one day to discuss that post.  She has seen many more people give up on life than I can wrap my brain around.  She said that moving forward isn't as common as I think it is...that my enduring, my "moving forward" is more special than I give it credit for.

And maybe she is right.  But I had your back, dear readers.  I told her that the people that read MY blog...those people?  THEY are trying.  THEY are enduring.  THEY are looking to do the best they can.

And I believe it.  You and I have a lot in common.  Our lives aren't easy and yet we put one foot in front of the other and make the most of what we can with what we have.

Or at least I'm hoping to make the most of it all.

I'm ready to look up from all this retrospection and do more than just moving forward..  Well.  I'm almost ready.

I'm almost ready to start aiming for things.  To start making goals.

And it feels good.  I'm sure being "almost" ready for something seems like a silly thing to blog about.  But it feels SO good to see things a bit differently.  The landscape is beginning to change and my soul is stretching from it's long enduring dredge.  Stretching is exhilarating!

Move forward  friends.  We can do this.  We will do this.  We should do this.

Even if we're barely feelin' it. 

We are still doing it!