I want a new drug....

No one asked me if I wanted to have a disease.  Not only that, but I wasn’t consulted to find out what type of disease I wanted to have.  There are days when I’d like to trade in my diabetes for another model.  Today is one of those days.

What features would I want my new model to have?  Oh, there are so many.  

·       First of all, I’d love for my disease to come without guilt.  Despite the knowledge I have gained throughout my years with diabetes, I still suffer from guilt now and then.  My sensitive psyche doesn’t need guilt.

·       How about a disease with just one treatment plan?  One that works for most everyone.  One that doesn’t change every frickin day.  A treatment plan that allows you to learn what you’re supposed to do and it stays that way; no one changes the rules.

·       A disease that brings on occasional sympathy from others might be nice, as opposed to one that tends to cause people to think that I did this to myself.  Wait, scratch that, I don’t I want people feeling sorry for me.  It would be nice, however, if they didn’t judge.

·       Is there a disease that gives you a break now and then?  One that just goes away for a spell?  I doubt that, but wouldn’t it be nice?

·       Let’s see, a disease that awards brownie points for stellar achievement would be peachy!  I know that when I’m really good with my food plan and exercise that I’m giving myself brownie points for future health, but it doesn’t feel that way today.

·       A disease that I didn’t have to think about every single day would be lovely.  I doubt that exists either, but I’m asking for the dream so I might as well think big.

Wow, I’m being such a whiner today!  After reading over my list, I feel somewhat better.  I mean, it could be so much worse than it is.  In reality, my diabetes is fairly well controlled.  I was diagnosed before I had any symptoms and my general health is really good.  It could be so much worse.  Why am I complaining?  Because today I feel crappy, mentally.  Today I feel sorry for myself.  Rather than hiding in my bed under the blankets, I thought that writing about this would make me feel better.  It has.  It has made me look at myself and say, “Snap out of it and get on with your day!”  I’m doing really well, in retrospect, and I can continue doing that.  So can anyone else out there who has to deal with diabetes!  You can do this too!!  Regardless of what our plan is, regardless of how we handle our individual diabetes, we can do this!  I really do feel better.

CCcchanges!

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I’m doing living with diabetes.  I like to think that I have pretty good control, but upon closer examination it feels more like I’ve just been bailing faster than the water is coming in.  I suppose that’s a victory of sorts but I feel like I could do better.

I remember, back when I was first diagnosed, that horrible feeling of helplessness; that idea that my world would have to change dramatically; the confusion about just what it was I needed to do.  I started out with diet and exercise as my plan without any medication.  It felt like maybe it wasn’t so bad after all but I still wasn’t sure just what to do.

I’m a carboholic, like many people are.  I crave carbs and have been known to stuff myself with “bad carbs”. Heck, if we’re being truthful here, this has happened recently! (I never said I was perfect.)  I also enjoy sweets, but not to the same extent as  pasta/bread/potatoes.  In fact, I’m pleased to note that since I have been living the diabetic lifestyle, my cravings for sweets has diminished!  Now when I eat something sweet it just doesn’t float my boat the same way it did 10 years ago.  My initial thoughts when I was first diagnosed were how can I continue to eat what I love? Instead of planning to cut things out of my diet I tried to figure out how to keep them in.  This is a good thing unless you are a carboholic who lacks will power.

I do pretty well for the most part, as I indicated at the start of this post, but I think it’s time for a change; a shift in my thinking.  Maybe it’s time to promote to the next grade level in the “I’m-a-person-with-diabetes-for-life” school.

I think the most important step I can take at this time is to evaluate my relationship with food.  It’s pretty dysfunctional, if you want to know the truth.  It controls me and then I get all offended and regain control.  I sometimes put it on a pedestal and then hurt myself climbing up to get it.  Occasionally I view it as the enemy; an enemy with which I have to negotiate some sort of peace treaty.  

What’s the reality?  The reality is that food is a necessary fuel which my body needs to function.  It’s a necessary, wonderful, scrumptious, damn I love it, way-better-than sex nearly anything, fuel.  It’s time for me to re-negotiate the terms of my living arrangement with food.  I need to stop finagling to fit difficult foods into my plan and, instead, find healthier things to eat that I will enjoy.

Starting now I plan to revamp the way I’m eating and find tasty, healthy foods to eat to replace the carb-rich foods I’m addicted to.  Here’s hoping I succeed.

I am a diabetic!!

Wow, I Really Do Have Diabetes

You would think that after 30 years the above statement wouldn’t be that surprising.  In fact, you’d think that I wouldn’t say it at all, but I did just today.  If you’re like me, there have been times when you thought maybe it was all a mistake and you don’t really have diabetes.  Go ahead and admit it, it’s ok.  I remember feeling that way in the beginning, that maybe they called the wrong Kate or my test results got mixed up with someone else’s.  I wish….well, not that I’d wish this on anyone else, even a complete stranger, but you know what I mean.

Every once in a while I let myself think fantasize that I don’t really have diabetes.  Maybe my sugars are fairly good because I’m eating a much healthier diet and exercising regularly.  Maybe I don’t really need the Metformin!  I may sometimes think that but I don’t actually try it.  (I’m not stupid, I just like to dream now and then.)

Well this month I got the message loud and clear.  A simple stubbed toe turned into a raging MRSA infection in my foot that has resulted in me loosing 2 toes on my right foot.  I am no longer going to be able to stand for long periods, take long walks, work a 12 hour shift as a nurse...My sugars were not tightly controlled, now and again I would pull a CBG of 190 or so but I was watching my carb intake, trying to eat more veggies and walking or riding a stationary bike...I was loosing weight, about 3 pounds a month.  I thought every thing was going well.  Sure, I had a couple of pressure sores that had formed on my foot, but I was keeping it elevated, clean and dry.  I wore the special shoes the doctor ordered that were supposed to help with reducing pressure on my foot...

All of this brings to mind the statements made by many people who say that Type 2 can be cured.  These statements are made by lots of companies that are trying to sell something, whether it’s a magic pill or diet plan or shake or….any number of things that will “cure” your diabetes if you just follow their path.  It’s also spouted by people who have followed that path and are now living without meds.  I say Congratulations!  I’m so pleased that you have turned things around and are now a healthier person for it….but YOU ARE NOT CURED!  Yes, if you continue to live this new lifestyle, whatever it may be, you may not need meds for the rest of your life, but if you fall off that wagon your sugars will go back up.  Besides that, diabetes is a progressive disease and it’s very possible that, even if you follow that new regimen, you will see changes down the road that require meds yet again.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to turn this into a downer but this type of thing really gets under my skin.  Yes, we need to make changes to our lifestyle, sometimes drastic changes, when we receive a diagnosis of diabetes.  Yes, it’s possible to live med-free if we are T2s and we find the right combination of diet and exercise.  But no, I’m sorry, there is not a cure.  Those lifestyle changes must be continued for the rest of our lives.  Not only that, but we may have to make further changes as we age.  That’s just the way it is.  It sucks.  

So yes April, you are a person with diabetes and you always will be.  Deal with it.  Remember to take your meds, for Pete’s sake (who is Pete anyway?  I should be taking them for MY sake, right?).  Continue exercising (you’re doing so well!).  Tomorrow there will be a much nicer reading on your meter.  Tomorrow is another day.

Moving Forward

Moving Forward......

Powerful words.

Moving Forward

Move forward.  Keep going.  You can do this.

Take it one day at a time.......

I find myself uttering those words to myself to get me through the day.  An anthem I march to as the day sinks onto my body.

I get heavy.  The worry weighs on me.  My journey's baggage is dredged behind me.  I'm barely able to move.

And then, "Move forward"

Enduring is so misunderstood.

Enduring doesn't get the accolades it should.  Our life has so much to do with enduring and yet we act surprised when it is so.

"Oh my goodness!  So and so lost their job!  I can't believe it."

"Oh no!  So and so lost the love of their life!  Unbelievable!"

"You are kidding!  So and so was diagnosed with WHAT?"

All of these things seem to be a surprise, when actually they seem more of the norm than we care to admit.

Life is getting harder.  Or is it that I'm just getting older, and life was always hard?  Is it that I'm just noticing it more?

I don't think so.

I think bad things, hard things, are happening at a record rate.  And for some of us, all we can do in the wake of it all is put our heads down...

And move forward.

But there is a brightness in "move forward" that I think is missed.  It isn't ALL about dragging our feet.  It isn't moving forward simply because we have to.

 Moving on entails moving forward with hope.

HOPE!!

Why else would we move forward if we didn't believe in change for the better?

Enduring is a necessary obstacle to a better tomorrow.  When we move forward  we are making promises to ourselves that there is something good around the corner.  "Endure, do your best, and all will be well."  In the state of enduring we might feel like we are not making progress.  But in reality we are fighting, and pushing against something...that something is hopelessness.

When we carry on we are saying we won't stand for hopelessness.

Bad blood sugar night?

Move on!!  Better sugars are on the horizon.

Vision problems and ketones?

Move on!  The problem will be fixed.

Carb counted that buffet wrong?

Move on!  You'll get it next time.

Fight with your spouse?  Bad day at work?  That guy just cut you off?  Did Taco Bell short you a burrito again??

Move on...move on.....move  on!!!

Moving forward  doesn't allow you to live in the turmoil of past mistakes or tragedies, yours or otherwise.  Moving forward has you living in today, for the future...which effects your tomorrow for the better.

I know we all have hard days.  Hell...last week was one of the hardest for me, the pinnacle of many months of malaise.  But I can see now that enduring has brought me to a better place.  Not as fast as I would have liked.  But it did.  And no...not hugely better.  But better.

Look for that brightness ahead, friends.

Move forward  and remember that things don't always stay the same. 

I've been wandering the map for the last few months wondering when things will change for me.  Or at least wondering when I'll have a clearer direction.

The fog is lifting.  I'm starting to get my bearings.  And all I needed to do was Move forward. Move on. 

Sometimes it's all we CAN do.  And I don't want you to underestimate the power of it.  I know for a lot of us it feels like auto-pilot is almost running us backwards.

But it's not.  Give yourself the credit you deserve for the courage you mustered in moving forward when things got hard.  There are answers on the other side of the trudging through the mire of life.  There is dignity is simply doing our best.

Enduring also builds muscle.  Some muscles we didn't even know we had.  Maybe that's why enduring hurts so much... we are working out parts of ourselves we didn't even know were there.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago telling how I believe everyone is a hero.  A friend of mine stopped me one day to discuss that post.  She has seen many more people give up on life than I can wrap my brain around.  She said that moving forward isn't as common as I think it is...that my enduring, my "moving forward" is more special than I give it credit for.

And maybe she is right.  But I had your back, dear readers.  I told her that the people that read MY blog...those people?  THEY are trying.  THEY are enduring.  THEY are looking to do the best they can.

And I believe it.  You and I have a lot in common.  Our lives aren't easy and yet we put one foot in front of the other and make the most of what we can with what we have.

Or at least I'm hoping to make the most of it all.

I'm ready to look up from all this retrospection and do more than just moving forward..  Well.  I'm almost ready.

I'm almost ready to start aiming for things.  To start making goals.

And it feels good.  I'm sure being "almost" ready for something seems like a silly thing to blog about.  But it feels SO good to see things a bit differently.  The landscape is beginning to change and my soul is stretching from it's long enduring dredge.  Stretching is exhilarating!

Move forward  friends.  We can do this.  We will do this.  We should do this.

Even if we're barely feelin' it. 

We are still doing it!

Writing it ..Own it..Release it!

Keeping a Journal /blog is a great way to remind yourself of your sincere intentions and to keep track of your progress or your slip ups. Without a place to report to, it is simply too easy to forget you ever had any inspiration for change . Writing down your short-term goals can help you break out of bad habits or reach a little higher for something you desire. The very best way to start is to write down the things you are grateful for. This simple act has the power to circulate the energy of gratitude in your life and bring you even more things, events, ideas, people and experiences to be grateful for.


If you want to grow, one important thing you should do is keeping a journal. It may seem simple, but it can make a big difference in your life.
I myself have been journaling for years. Writing all the lessons I learn and all the ideas I get has become a habit for me. And to be honest, it’s difficult to imagine how my life would be without it.

Here are some benefits you will get by keeping a journal:

1. It trains you to be observant. Once you make journaling a habit, you will develop the habit of being observant in all your experiences. You will get way more ideas and lessons this way. Instead of paying attention to the negative side of things, you pay attention to the positive side to extract lessons from it. Instead of taking things for granted, you look for new ideas that you can implement.

2. It prevents you from losing an idea. Have you ever gotten an idea only to lose it later because you didn’t write it down? I often experienced that myself. But then I developed the habit of writing down every idea that comes into my mind as soon as possible. If I’m away from my computer, I usually write it down on a piece of paper that I bring wherever I go. I will then transfer the idea to the journal in my computer.

3. It helps you memorize an idea. Even if you do nothing else, the act of writing helps you memorize the idea better. I often remember the things I write down without looking back at my notes.

4. It trains you to express your thoughts. I often take lessons from my experiences and write them down in my journal. Since I want to write a concise statement that summarizes the lesson, I need to think for a while to make it concise. This is a good exercise for me because over time I can express my thoughts better.

5. It helps you expand your ideas. When you try to come up with a sentence to express an idea, you are thinking actively about it. Thinking actively helps you connect your idea to another idea. At the end, you will expand your ideas.

6. It helps you review all the lessons you’ve learned. Why should you repeat the same mistakes you’ve made? By reviewing your journal, you can quickly see the lessons you’ve learned and the ideas you’ve gotten. You can do whatever necessary to avoid repeating the same mistakes. You can use the ideas to propel yourself forward.

7. It allows you to see your progress over time. After keeping a journal for years, you can look back at it and see how far you’ve gone. Things that were big problems in the past might seem small today. The raw ideas you had in the past might have been realized today. Seeing your progress motivates you to move even further ahead.

Now that you have seen the benefits of keeping a journal, what tool should you use? You don’t need anything complicated for your journal. If your prefer to use a computer, you can use a word processor like Microsoft Word or Google Docs. You can even use a text editor like Notepad. If you prefer not to use computer, you can use a notebook. Just use whatever tool you feel comfortable with. The important thing is to make journaling a habit.

Making up for the years I spent ruining the Ozone!

 I love hair spray.  Its a southern thing maybe!  But in my recent decision to try to live earth friendly, after reading about what is in chemical hair spray,. I began searching the internet and books for more natural hair sprays.  This is my all time favorite hair spray.  Now it is not going to give you helmet head!  But your hair smells great, and you get a flexible hold that lasts all day!

 

Citrus-Lavender Hairspray

• 1 orange or lemon
• 2 cups water
• 1/4 cup  clear grain alcohol (vodka, gin, etc.) (I do not recommend using rubbing alcohol, as it is drying on hair/scalp, and has been linked to some negative health effects.)
• 6-8 drops of lavender essential oil

Step 1

Cut a whole orange or lemon into wedges and combine with 2 cups water in a small pot. Boil over medium high heat and reduce liquid by half.

Step 2

Strain liquid through cheesecloth into a measuring cup. If you boiled too much liquid out add water until you have 1 cup. Allow citrus juice to cool.

Step 3

Add alcohol and essential oils to the cup of citrus juice. (Feel free to experiment with your favorite essential oil or leave them out altogether.)

Step 4

Use a funnel to pour into a spray bottle (at least 10 oz.). Shake gently before each use.

A few things to note…

This is not a maximum hold hairspray that will freeze a prom up-do or 80′s bangs. I can say with confidence that it’s a flexible hold formula. I was a loyal user of firm hold hairspray for years before trying this formula… now I PREFER this to my old sprays.
This formula has been tested on my brownish/red/light brown/ depends on the time of year and sunlight  hair. Use an orange for darker hair, and lemons only if your hair is light-colored. There is a chance the lemon can lighten your hair when exposed to sunlight.
Grab the orange or lemon sitting in your fruit bowl and give this hairspray a whirl.

50 Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey = Disney Porn

If Walt Disney were to animate "The Story of O", I think it would be exactly like the "Fifty Shades of Grey" series.

Since I was young, whatever book I started reading, I finished.  There is one exception, "The Ruins" by Scott Smith, what a dismal piece of crapola  that book is!  Since there are three books in the "Fifty Shades" series, I felt compelled to read them all.  I'm glad I didn't have to buy but one.

While Ms. James writing improves somewhat by the second book, I can't help but visualize a Disney princess and prince.  C'mon! Anastasia and Christian - those are Disney names if I ever heard one!  The books are quite improbable, even for fiction.  Nonetheless, they are addictive in an "I-don't-need-my-brain-to-read-this" way.  Easy, uncomplicated reads for when you need a break from reality.

What I don't understand is all the hoopla about the BDSM aspects of the books.  There is hardly any.  I've read harder and more erotic sex scenes in  Laurell K. Hamilton, "Anita Blake" books . Granted most of the sex in those books is with vampires and werewolves, but still, Ms. Hamilton writes raunchy, rough and kinky with delicious descriptiveness.  E.L. James, not so much.  There's lots of talk about sadism, bondage, submissiveness, dominance in the "Fifty Shades" series but not much that type action.  Don't get me wrong, there's scads of sex going on, Anastasia and Christian, screw around  like rabbits in heat, but it's romantic, loving sex for the most part.  Dreamy sex between two perfect people with perfect bodies that haven't hit 30 yet!

That a man of 27 years old could be a Master Dominant AND a Captain of Industry was the first clue that Ms. James books were not going to be mind-bending.  The second was that the heroine was 21 years old, flat-out gorgeous and was still a virgin!  Hello, Disney?  (Okay, I'm a jaded old witch!)  What intrigued me was that these books became, mostly by word of mouth, HUGE bestsellers because of the BDSM and/or sex. Seriously, what were all these women reading before?  Did they never pick up a "bodice ripper" at the supermarket or check out Henry Miller or D.H. Lawrence at Barnes & Noble?  Did they only ever read "Fan Fiction"? While I'm puzzled about all the fuss, I'm happy women are reading something!

The "The Fifty Shades" series didn't arouse me, it amused me.  I'm not a Disney fan, except for the villains and they don't turn me on, either!  In my opinion, the attraction to the books is that they stir remembrance of "first love".  Anastasia and Christian are young, beautiful, they have their whole future ahead of them and they are totally in love with each other.  They have the kind of relationship that happens, if we're lucky, once in a lifetime.  It could be that women are jumping men's bones because reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" reignites the fire they want to rekindle or starts the spark they've always dreamed about.  It could be they want the happily ever after, (Cue - singing cartoon birds and squirrels) if only for a few moments.