Tangled? No More Tears!

I recently had a friend remind me of the stress of having hair that tangles easily.  I have spent thousands of dollars buying products to try and make my hair easy to comb after a shampoo.  I have totes in the garage of products to prove it.

Over time I have collected easy DIY detangler recipes that are made with  natural ingredients.  I believe these products work better and hey, some of the stuff on the bottles of stuff I have bought I can't even pronounce!  Try some of these recipes and hints and let me know if you love them as much as I do!

Ingredients you will find useful to have on hand.  And what they do with your hair (or your Child's hair):

Glycerin: Glycerin is a sugar alcohol derived from plants or vegetable fats (there is also a synthetic version which I recommend staying away from). Glycerin is used in many beauty products due to its moisturizing properties. Glycerin is known as a “hygroscopic.” This means glycerin pulls moisture from the air.  This is why glycerin makes a fantastic detangler! On its own glycerin can destroy the hair and strip it of moisture, but when diluted glycerin softens the hair and even reduces frizz.

Aloe Vera Gel: Aloe vera gel comes from the aloe vera plant. The gel (found inside the leaves) is great for moisturizing the skin and hair. Aloe not only attracts moisture to the hair, but also seals it in. Aloe also contains many minerals which are beneficial for the body (including the hair and skin!).

Essential Oil: This ingredient is completely optional. If you would like to add essential oils for scent, I recommend going with an oil that may provide some beneficial properties to the hair. Orange, lavender, and rosemary are great oils to add I use oils made by a local lady and they are very strong--you can use store bought ones just as well.  You may find that you need to add more drops for a fragrance strength you like.

APPLE CIDER VINEGAR:Apple cider vinegar flattens the hair surface, allowing a comb or brush to glide easily through the hair. It also reduces frizz and it is a natural conditioner

DISTILLED WATER:I also recommend working with distilled water when making skincare products because it cuts down the chance that you’ll introduce a contaminant to your recipe. Your recipe will last much longer with distilled water. 

RECIPE #1

1TBSP aloe vera gel I believe you can also use pure aloe juice.

1/2-1 TBSP vegetable glycerin this amount depends on your hair. I recommend starting with 1/2 TBSP and working your way up to a higher amount. Almost 1 TBSP is perfect for me. Some people may need more or less.

10 drops lavender essential oil or orange or rosemary

 distilled water

Recipe # 2 (Prolly my favorite)

• 1.5 teaspoons Apple Cider Vinegar
• • 5 drops lavender essential oil (which smells great and softens your hair)
  • • distilled water

Recipe #3

1. Aloe Vera Gel

1. 1/4 tsp Apple Cider Vinegar

1. 2 drops Orange Essential Oil

1. 2 drops Rosemary Essential Oil

1. 3 drops Lavender Essential Oil

1. Filtered Water

Instructions for all the recipes:

In a spray bottle,(about 4-6 ounces is good.  Just make little recipes at a time.  Since we are not putting chemical preservatives in here you pretty much want to make a new bottle each month)

 combine all the ingredients. Give the bottle a gentle shake until the Ingredients are combined. That's it! Can't get much easier!

Recipe Notes

To Use: Spray the detangler on wet or damp hair (I've also used this on dry hair, but wet or damp hair is best). Let the detangler rest for a minute onthe hair, then brush. Apply more detangler as needed directly on knots and then brush  or comb them out.

Ingredient Notes*Rosemary essential oil isn’t recommended for children under 10 years-old.

When you introduce water into a product without a preservative you always run the risk of introducing bacteria, so use water-based products quickly.  Using distilled water reduces the chance of adding contaminants.

Recipe Variation: If you don’t have aloe on hand, skip it! I’ve used glycerin and water many times when I don’t have aloe available.  I like the moisturizing benefits and even the “hold” aloes provides curly hair, but for a simple detangler just glycerin and water also work great. Use the same recipe as above, just omit the aloe.

Climate Note: Glycerin may cause the hair to swell when it’s applied in a very humid environment (remember, glycerin pulls moisture from the air). If you live in a very dry climate, glycerin may cause hair breakage. The bottom line: If you don’t live in an extreme climate, diluted glycerin is a great hair product.

Oh my aching stomach!

Stomach ulcers, also known as gastric ulcers, are open sores within the lining of the stomach. They are a type of peptic ulcer, meaning having to do with acid. Because of the amount of acid present in the stomach and the damage that can occur, they are often extremely painful. The most common cause of stomach ulcers is the bacterium Helicobacter pylori, or H. pylori.

Ulcers may also be caused by overuse of painkillers, such as aspirin (Bayer), and other nonsteroidal anti-inflammatories (NSAIDs), such as ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin) or naproxen (Naprosyn).

Stomach ulcers are treated with antibiotics and medications to reduce and block stomach acid. In addition to this well-proven treatment plan, research has shown that there are also some natural home remedies that may be useful in managing a stomach ulcer and helping it heal. Talk with your doctor about adding these foods to your diet.

1. Flavonoids

Research suggests that flavonoids, also known as bioflavonoids, may be an effective additional treatment for stomach ulcers. Flavonoids are compounds that occur naturally in many fruits and vegetables. Foods and drinks rich in flavonoids include:

beans

legumes

red grapes

kale

broccoli

apples

berries

teas, especially green tea

These foods may also help the body fight against the H. pylori bacteria. Flavonoids are referred to as “gastroprotective,” which means they defend the lining of the stomach and could allow ulcers to heal. According to the Linus Pauling Institute, there are no side effects of consuming flavonoids in the amount found in a typical diet, but higher amounts of flavonoids may interfere with blood clotting. You can get flavonoids in your diet or take them as supplements.

2. Deglycyrrhizinated licorice

Don’t let that long first word give you a stomach ache. Deglycyrrhizinated licorice is just plain old licorice with the sweet flavor extracted. One study showed that deglycyrrhizinated licorice might help ulcers heal by inhibiting the growth of H. pylori.

Deglycyrrhizinated licorice is available as a supplement. You can’t get this effect from eating licorice candy, though. Too much licorice candy can be bad for some people. Consuming more than 2 ounces daily for more than two weeks can make existing heart problems or high blood pressure wors

3. Probiotics

Probiotics are the living bacteria and yeast that provide healthy and important microorganisms to your digestive tract. They are present in many common foods, particularly fermented foods. These include:

buttermilk

yogurt

miso

kimchi

kefir

You can also take probiotics in supplement form. Studies have shown that probiotics may be helpful in wiping out H. pylori and increasing recovery rate for people with ulcers when added to the traditional regimen of antibiotics.

4. Honey

Honey is far from simply sweet. Depending on the plant it’s derived from, honey can contain up to 200 elements, including polyphenols and other antioxidants. Honey is a powerful antibacterial and has been shown to inhibit H. pylori growth. As long as you have normal blood sugar levels, you can enjoy honey as you would any sweetener, with the bonus of perhaps soothing your ulcers.

5. Garlic

Garlic extract has been shown to inhibit H. pylori growth in lab, animal, and human trials. If you don’t like the taste (and lingering aftertaste) of garlic, you can take garlic extract in supplemental form. Garlic acts as a blood thinner, so ask your doctor before taking it if you use warfarin (Coumadin), other prescription blood thinners, or aspirin.

6. Cranberry

Cranberry has been shown in some studies to help decrease urinary tract infections by preventing bacteria from settling on the walls of the bladder. Cranberry and cranberry extract also may help fight H. pylori. You can drink cranberry juice, eat cranberries, or take cranberry supplements.

No specific amount of consumption is associated with relief. Too much cranberry in any form may cause stomach and intestinal discomfort due to its high sugar content, so start with small amounts and increase gradually. Many commercial cranberry juices are heavily sweetened with sugar or high fructose corn syrup, which can also add empty calories. Avoid those juices by buying juice sweetened only by other juices.

7. Mastic

Mastic is the sap of a tree grown in the Mediterranean. Studies of the effectiveness of mastic on H. pylori infection are mixed, but at least one small study shows that chewing mastic gum may help fight H. pylori, getting rid of the bacteria in about 3 out of 10 people who used it. However, when compared to the traditional combination of antibiotics and acid-blocking medications, the medications were significantly more effective than the gum. The traditional treatment got rid of the bacteria in more than 75 percent of the people studied. In this study, the mastic gum was not associated with any side effects. You can chew the gum or swallow mastic in supplement form. 

8. Fruits, vegetables, and whole grains

A diet centered on fruits, vegetables, and whole grains is not just good for your overall health. According to the Mayo Clinic, a vitamin-rich diet can help your body heal your ulcer. Foods containing the antioxidant polyphenols may protect you from ulcers and help ulcers heal. Polyphenol-rich foods and seasonings include:

dried rosemary

flaxseed

Mexican oregano

dark chocolate

blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, elderberries, and blackberries

black olives

Potatoes teaching us about hate

A kindergarten teacher has decided to let her class play a game. 


The teacher told each child in the class to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes. 

Each potato will be given a name of a person that the child hates, so the number of potatoes that a child will put in his/her plastic bag will depend on the number of people he/she hates. 

So when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated. Some had 2 potatoes; some 3 while some up to 5 potatoes. The teacher then told the children to carry with them the potatoes in the plastic bag wherever they go (even to the toilet) for 1 week. 

Days after days passed by, and the children started to complain due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes. Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended....

The teacher asked: "How did you feel while carrying the potatoes with you for 1 week?". The children let out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go. 

Then the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said: "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go. If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes for just 1 week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???" 

Moral of the story:

Throw away any hatred for anyone from your heart so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. 
Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! 
True love is not loving a perfect person 
but loving an imperfect person perfectly!!

I dream of Dragons

The perception of what is small is the secret of clear sightedness; the guarding of what is soft and tender is the secret of strength. --Lao Tzu

I love to read.  Books have opened doors to many worlds for me, but I have also, discovered that I enjoy making up the stories in my head. It is a habit I have practiced nightly.

Usually, it begins with a dream I find particularly compelling. As I lie in bed recalling the dream the next night, I work out its cast of characters, how the story should begin, and how it should progress. I am always the hero, and no story ever ends...it fades away when a new dream sparks a new story. That way, I can pick up an old story if I think of something new to add to it.

These days I'm Tailyanker, dragon slayer. Except that's just my cover. See, back in the day, humanity saw the majesty, power, and intelligence of dragons and honored them with gifts, thinking this would bring them good luck. The dragons thought the gift giving was utterly illogical, wasteful even, because they had no use for gold, diamonds, crowns, or necklaces too small for them to wear. But they accepted these presents because it would have been rude not to. 

Unfortunately, good luck doesn't actually exist, so when Jack lost his ass on a bad investment in a seed company and Peter's crop of peppers failed (the only thing he planted that year because "they were going to be huge!") and Hansel and Gretel were arrested for burglary and capital murder, they were a little nonplussed. Naturally, none of their problems were actually their fault. Oh, no, it must be the dragons, and just why were they expected to give dragons treasure in exchange for luck, anyway? Something had to be done. 

So they began a smear campaign, and the persecution of dragons commenced. 

That's where I come in. Admittedly, I haven't done much work on the back story (gotta leave gaps to fill in for tomorrow night) so I don't know how I got entangled in this mess, but I know right from wrong and I deplore injustice. So I went in search of the legendary Xpthxzyphnmcz to hatch a plan. Dragon language is unpronounceable to humans, we lack the proper vocal muscles, so you can call him Binky. 

Binky is an electric dragon...his defense is lightning which strikes with surprising accuracy, and his serpentine skin pops and crackles with static. His strangely orange, soulful eyes are home to solar systems, and you can see them when he's curled up resting and at human-eye level to marvel that other sentient beings might be alive on the planets that dot his irides (sorry, can't go back on my Latin roots).

But plans are never easy in fairy tales. First, the hero has to descend into the underworld because stigmatized dragons aren't very trusting. They want proof you're legit. I had to do things...things you don't want to know about...things you shouldn't ask me about (because I haven't made up those parts yet, either). 

I've got mad skillz. So once I had the dragons' trust, I turned them all into house pets (mice, hamsters, cats, dogs, hedgehogs, geckos...those things that are Lao Tzu small) and hid them from vengeful humans forever...right under their noses. How brilliant is that?

Binky  happens to be a grey and white cat. If you want to see the dragon come out, step on his tail. Actually, don't do that. And don't pet his long fur while you're sitting next to the furnace in the winter because you'll see what I mean by electricity and it won't be pleasant for either of you. 

In exchange for protection, the dragons pay me a tithe every year, and I spend three months collecting it from their various lairs all over the world, which leads to all sorts of adventures. In one, I had to save all of y'all from a horrific creature far worse than a basilisk that was going to turn you into stone. You're welcome. 

Tailyanker is basically me: keenly fashionable but with messy hair, kind to animals, loyal to friends, and quick with a defense when wronged. But for a long time, Tailyanker had something I thought I desperately needed.

Fearlessness.

She could hop on a dragon, fly all over the world, collect adventures like they were jewelry, slay demons, rescue kittens...all while I lay in bed in the safety of my little room thinking it all up. 

I couldn't do the things Taily did for one simple reason.

Fear.

For 48 years, I couldn't get on a dragon or a plane without getting physically ill, , take the elevator above the 10th floor, step foot in a glass elevator, look out the window of any room above the 5th story.

I had lived that way since I was a teen and fell out of a tree picking apples.

Okay, that's not true. I DIDN'T know why. The beauty of growing older is that we get smarter (well, most people do). I understand something I didn't understand mere months ago.

Fear is a choice.

Case in point. Several years ago, a friend  and I were in a rear-end collision. I remember every detail vividly. I saw  tje car coming at us from behind, not slowing down.  My very pregnant friend and I were stopped at a red light and I just happened to look in the rear view mirror.. Bracing my elbows against the back of the seat. Thinking, "This is going to hurt." The feeling of the air bag punching me in the chest. My vision obscured briefly by the bag's fabric. The acrid smell of the smoke emitted from the dashboard. Rolling  into a ditch. Quickly unlatching the seat belt. My friend clutching her stomach.  She left in an ambulance but was ok.  Three weeks later giving birth to a beautiful son.

In all of that, I did not at any time experience fear.

I didn't experience ANY emotion because I didn't have time to.

See, I've come to think that emotions are like orchids that need a lot of tending: if you ignore them, they die.

On the one hand, that's a bad thing because if you forget to take care of your love, it can fade away. On the other hand, if you want to kill your fear, all you have to do is stop watering it.

And I should know.

I am no longer afraid of flying. It helped that I wanted to go to meet my inlaws so bad that I was willing to do anything and that my new husband cluctched my sweaty hand the entire flight. But, ultimately, what it really came down to was deciding that I wasn't afraid anymore.

So, several  flights later, I'm planning my next trip to visit my new family whom I quickly  fell in love with, and I'm thinking about the beautiful dragon turning away from the terminal, firing up her jets, racing down the runway. And that miraculous moment when she leaves the earth...she has left fear behind, she has left what is known behind, she has left all that could weigh her down. She is in the sun rocketing ever closer to the future, to what can be.

She is Tailyanker, and she is April...and she is a Dragon.

Living with Pain

I am in some level of pain every day. Some days it is at atomic levels and just trying to take a step causes pain that shatters me and literally stops me.  On these days when pain in my damaged back, hips and feet all I can do is sit in my recliner and count the minutes of every hour I wait for it to settle down.  The pain meds do not provide much relief on those days.. While other days it is just a tickle of discomfort in various areas of my body, most often my back and hip. I am grateful for the tickle days as it frees up some energy so I can invest in things that I love. Although rare, I do have pain free moments and those are a great gift.

I view pain much like I view my ego. It is there chattering away and doing its best to bring me down. Over the years, I thought fighting, being angry, and resisting the pain would somehow scare it away, which as you can imagine never happened. I have since decided to accept that pain is part of my experience in this life, and although some days it overcomes me, I do my best not to succumb to its darkness.

I am writing this because I am just coming out of two weeks of intense daily pain which included several falls and damaging the pressure sores on my feet.. As I look back, a moment vividly returns. I was in excruciating, blinding pain attempting to make my husbands lunch for work.  I would lay my head on the counter, take a few deep breaths and attempt to put together his sandwich. I pushed through long enough to get him on his  way and then retreated back to bed. This moment reminded me that our struggles can provide such profound learning and discovery.

This is my perspective of how pain has offered me the following character traits I have developed :

1. Determination

For anyone who has been in a twelve round boxing match with pain it can feel like an eternity of blows up against the ropes. What I have learned in my own pain journey is that there is always an opening to strike back. Sometimes it doesn’t show up until the 12th round, but the opening always appears. It takes determination and perseverance to stay in the game and wait for the break, despite the risk of blows. Pain has given me a fighting spirit and I will never give up on life.

2. Stop and slow down

Pain forces me to stop and prioritize. I cannot complete everything that I desire when I am struggling with pain, and therefore I have to pick and choose the most important things in order to survive the day. Pain has given me the gift of taking a step back and investing in what matters rather than just checking off the to do list boxes mindlessly. Pain forces me to slow things down, allows me opportunities to be mindful, and gives me access to presence.

3. Awareness

I am very aware of what is happening in my body at all times. Living with chronic pain has opened me up to an acute sense of awareness and it has also given me a curious spirit when in the presence of others. I understand that there may be much going on behind the surface because most of us who live with chronic pain look 'normal' and healthy, when in reality the suffering is great. With awareness comes a new perspective: compassion and empathy for others and for myself.

4. Gratitude

Living with chronic pain is hard and at times it has worn me down. I admit I have struggled with bouts of depression and often succumb to negativity during the really rough times. What I have noticed over the years is that I am grateful for the pain because it gives me the opportunity to really notice and appreciate the less painful days. I drink in the moments that I can play with my animals  or engage in physical activities without pain. I am grateful that I am able to live fully in the days of less pain. Taking a moment to reflect on what I am grateful for connects me to what matters and this is when I am most present.

Pain is not my enemy. It is my teacher.

Depression and other emotional disorders:

Why is it, that in today’s society, people must feel ashamed to say that they suffer with a mental illness?  It’s not their fault…it is a medical disorder.  Unfortunately it is often times slow to be recognized, especially in teens and young adults.  We blow off the symptoms as “just part of growing up” or the people themselves just hide their feelings, for fear of being “labled” as defective.
Even when they do go for help, it usually takes several attempts with different medications to find the right prescription that will work for that individual, and sometimes they just give up, thinking that they can’t “be fixed.”  Then too, the medications themselves often have such awful side effects, or atleast the reputation as having awful side effects that they do not want to take them.  There are so many mental diseases out there, depression, anxiety, ptsd, bipolar, schizophrenia…many others.  The brain is still a bit of a mystery even to the scientists that have devoted their lives to figuring it out…so, of course how could a teen or young adult figure out their feelings?  Even with a very supportive family, people can frequently feel isolated and alone.  They won’t share their feelings or fears with their loved ones.  They suffer in silence. 

My thoughts and prayers are with tall families who have or are dealing with mental illness.  I am pasting below the symptoms of depression as written by the Mayo Clinic.  Please, if you or anyone you know have these symptoms…don’t be afraid or ashamed.  Call your family doctor or go to the hospital.  There is help.  Life can be better.

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic staff
Depression symptoms include:

• Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Reduced sex drive
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
• Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren’t going right
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it’s obvious something isn’t right. Others people feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.
Depression affects each person in different ways, so depression symptoms vary from person to person. Inherited traits, age, gender and cultural background all play a role in how depression may affect you.
Depression symptoms in children and teens
Common symptoms of depression can be a little different in children and teens than they are in adults.

• In younger children, symptoms of depression may include sadness, irritability, hopelessness and worry.
• Symptoms in adolescents and teens may include anxiety, anger and avoidance of social interaction.
• Changes in thinking and sleep are common signs of depression in adolescents and adults, but are not as common in younger children.
• In children and teens, depression often occurs along with behavior problems and other mental health conditions, such as anxiety or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Depression symptoms in older adults
Depression is not a normal part of growing older, and most seniors feel satisfied with their lives. However, depression can and does occur in older adults. Unfortunately it often goes undiagnosed and untreated. Many adults with depression feel reluctant to seek help when they’re feeling down.

• In older adults, depression may go undiagnosed because symptoms — for example, fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems or loss of interest in sex — may seem to be caused by other illnesses
• Older adults with depression may say they feel dissatisfied with life in general, bored, helpless or worthless. They may always want to stay at home, rather than going out to socialize or doing new things.
• Suicidal thinking or feelings in older adults is a sign of serious depression that should never be taken lightly, especially in men. Of all people with depression, older adult men are at the highest risk of suicide.

When to see a doctor
If you feel depressed, make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as you can. Depression symptoms may not get better on their own — and depression may get worse if it isn’t treated. Untreated depression can lead to other mental and physical health problems or problems in other areas of your life. Feelings of depression can also lead to suicide.
If you’re reluctant to seek treatment, talk to a friend or loved one, a health care professional, a faith leader, or someone else you trust.
If you have suicidal thoughts
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, get help right away. Here are some steps you can take:

• Contact a family member or friend.
• Seek help from your doctor, a mental health provider or other health care professional.
• Call a suicide hot line number — in the United States, you can reach the toll-free, 24-hour hot line of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 to talk to a trained counselor.
• Contact a minister, spiritual leader or someone in your faith community.

When to get emergency help
If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, call 911 or your local emergency number immediately. If you have a loved one who has harmed himself or herself, or is seriously considering doing so, make sure someone stays with that person. Take him or her to the hospital or call for emergency help.
Of course the other illnesses have their own symptoms, if you have any feelings of suicide, anxiety, depression, worry or stress that seems out of control or is affecting how you live…please call your doctor.

In the still of the night..I hear my own tears....

Well, it’s after 11am, and I just woke up…and don’t want to be up now.  This is a regular occurance due to my chronic pain issues.  Maybe I should just entitle this blog “A day in the life of a pain stricken woman”  The pain is sometimes so intense…you can’t take a deep breath, you can’t move, you can’t even cry.  That was last night.  It feels very much like there is a knife in your belly just moving around cutting and jabbing at your innerds…alongside a blowtorch that is joining in on the fun.  Then add to that the spasming of your feet a the nerves, damaged by a lifetime of diabetes, pulse and throb with each heart beat and the fire that burns in the small of  your back the best  you can do is stare at the clock and hope relief will come soon.

On these many nights being on the pain rollercoaster, I try to read or do needle crafts…if I can concentrate through the pain.  Or surf the net trying to find pain control ideas.  Or just lay and pray.  Alot of praying.  Trying to make “deals with my deity”…you know, like “Please Goddess..just end the pain that I am in!  If I am not doing any good on Earth, please just take me home with you!”…so far She hasn’t taken me up on that offer, so either She believes I am or will be of some good on this Earth.  I try the meditation techniques…the deep breathing is hard because it hurts to take really deep breaths…but I do what I can.  Visualization is nice…I picture laying on a warm sandy beach with the waves lapping at the shore, smelling the salty air, sipping a cold margarita, watching the tanned surfer dudesssssssssssss…uh ahmmmm….never mind….lol.

These nights of pain are very lonely. VERY lonely.  I sometimes feel like I am the only person on the planet dealing with this suffering.  I know of course that I am not, but at night it sure feels that way.  I have friends on facebook  who also suffer with various chronic pain conditions…and I thank the Goddess for them everyday!  This is why the computer has become my lifeline in a sense…they are the only people I “know” who are like me.  With only two exceptions, No one in my real world suffers with the intense pain that I do on a daily basis.

 Pain year after year changes you as a person.  You have to live differently.  You can’t always do what you want to do when you want to do it.  You are a slave to your pain.  You may want to go take a walk…but your body says “No way sweetie!”…you may want to go shopping, and you DO!  Then about 20 minutes in your body goes “PUNISHMENT TIME!” and there you are, standing in the middle of WalMart with a cart of stuff and you suddenly can’t move due to the pain…so you stand there with this look of constipation, not moving…sweat breaks out…you begin to panic, wondering how you will manage to walk up to the registers and check out…or just ditch the cart and get to the car…I feel embarrassed…like others are staring at me…so anxiety kicks in, the adrenaline makes me move slowly to the register as if nothing is wrong with me…I check out and make it to my car and start to cry as I drive home…and cry all the way…not caring that the people in cars beside me can see.

On the days or nights when I am having a pity party…I feel like living with “Invisible Diseases” is very different from other ailments…If I have my legs amputated….people can see it and feel empathy…if you have cancer people KNOW what that means.  But with Adhesions, Fibro, Antiphospholipid Syndrome, Neuropathy, tendinitis, plantar faciitis, hernias, degenerative disk disease, arthritis, migraines, diabetes….people can’t SEE these illnesses…they may not even know of them…and when you are like me, who have more than one of those ailments you feel like a lonely little freakshow, that no one understands.  I often get mad at The God and the Goddess, , I am ashamed to say…and I scream “Why me? Why do you hate me? Why so many health problems at once? “…I keep feeling there is a reason for all this physical suffering….and I am on the path to figuring that out.  I could deal with most of the issues…it’s the damaged nerves and joints that cause me the most horrible pain….but, as just about everyone  says, Your Gods  wouldn’t let me deal with all this trauma if he didn’t think I could handle it…so they  must REALLY have confidence in my inner strength!  lol!

I just dream of being normal again.  Of being able to make plans with friends a few days in advance, and not having to cancel due to pain levels…you do that enough with friends, and they stop trying to make plans with youl.  Tired of being asked “How you feelin today?”…because the way I feel rarely changes…although there are “tolerable days” “bad days” and “horrible days” so I guess I have  a few to choose from.  I wish I c ould eat a big juicy steak with corn on the cob followed up by a huge slice of strawberry pie washed down with pure sweet southern tea.   I wish I didn’t need the scooter , wheel chair or power chair to move..  I wish I didn’t have to swallow 11 pills or more every day.  I wish I could be more active, without suffering afterwards.  I wish my belly didn’t buldge out.  I wish even SOME of the pain would go away!

I worry too about the consequences of taking all these meds I am on.  I am only 46 years old…taking all these pills for the next 30 years isn’t gonna make my liver very happy…not to mention, my body will build up a tolerance to these pain meds…then what happens?  I am on really strong doses already…what do we go to in 10 or 20 years?  It’s these things and more that fill my mind at night.  But, then its daylight again…I suck it up and pretend to be one of the “normals” and go on with life.  There are people out there worse off than me for sure.  Atleast I have a roof over my head, food to eat, family/friends, clothes, and this computer to keep me in touch with friends!  With all this crap that I whine about, I do know that I have much to be thankful for and I thank tmy God  and Goddess each and everyday for all of it.  I guess my deal is, I just wish for a way to make others understand what people with invisible illnesses are dealing with…little daily activities that some take for granted…are a struggle for us…shaving your legs, getting in and out of the  car, getting clothes in and out of the washer/dryer, standing and doing dishes, carrying a case of soda, going to the bathroom (yes I just told that), walking for more than 5 minutes, picking up small children/animals, reaching for something above your head, bending to pick up something off the floor, pushing a vacuum, dancing, just getting up from bed (I must roll onto my side and grab the rail to pull myself up), blowing your nose, sneezing, crying…and worst of all laughing.  I love to laugh…and now when I do…it brings physical pain.  I used to laugh until I cried…now I try to avoid that, because it hurts so much.  .I still laugh of course…and once in awhile even to the point of tears…but its painful.

I keep looking ahead though.  The future is gonna be better.  I learn ways of dealing with all of it.  I know when to rest (mostly)…luckily I love to read and play on the puter!  I am learning to not mind being a “homebody” for some people that would be unbearable. I try to focus on my wonderful husband and the family he brought into my life.  They accept me as I am even with the limitations, love me and support me, not everyone has that.  I am not alone, even in the night I can hear my Mutty breathe next to me, reach out and rub my leg letting me know that while he might be sleeping he is there with me if I really need him.  I have more than once woken him up because I was hurting and just needed him to sit with me for a while or to take a day off work to spend it in the house with me simply because I could not bear being home alone that day.  I have a wonderful friend who also suffers from a silent illness that makes time every day to see how I am and does not get upset if I have to cancel an event due to my disabilities.  She dropped her life to be with me when we thought the surgeon was going to take my leg.  She climbed onto the bed and sat holding me as I cried my heart out --weeks and months of being in and out of the hospital with 8 different surgeries finally becoming just too much to deal with.

So, that’s how I will end this blog.  I don't know if I will push the publish button sometimes that is scarier than the pain--opening up and saying to the people who only see the side of you that pretends all is well all the time is really a fake costume just like my Halloween Witch Outfit.  Opening myself up to be torn apart by people who don't understand or who think they are better than I am because I cannot work anymore--if I could I would be right back out there working 60 hours a week and loving every minute of it but  when your body is breaking down and you can no longer stand up without having to talk yourself into it then it is time to consider the safety of those around you in the workplace and sometimes that means saying goodbye to co-workers and in my case, patients whom I dearly loved.  Sometimes a person needs to surrender and accept. Surrender comes when y ou no longer ask, “Why is this happening to me?”  Acceptance of the unacceptable is the greatest source of grace in this world.I am not quite graceful yet, but I am trying to work towards it.  Slowly and painfully.